I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
