The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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