Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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