that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
