Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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