I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
