Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Vodka?
Forever.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I need to calm my uterus...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
