i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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