I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize