some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
