i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
