so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
