Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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