I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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