smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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