Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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