I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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