I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
