Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
