Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
God I need to hump something, right now.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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