New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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