So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Randomize
