Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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