I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
