i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
