I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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