I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
