i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
