you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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