Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
