He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
farters have to be the big spoon...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
