I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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