a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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