Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize