My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
