there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
