I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
