if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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