You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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