probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
