I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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