Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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