I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
