I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
