She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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