Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
