You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We need a shit load of segways right now
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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