Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
