Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Ladies don't puke and tell
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
