Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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