Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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