Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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