Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
