worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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