it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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