You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize