I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The air was thick with penises
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
