Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
