I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
