Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
