you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
