I hate your face
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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